(possible trigger warning (TW) for eating disorder behaviours)
I’m sat on a rather uncomfertable floor in a psych ward, just having taken my meds that’s supposedly help me ’manage my emotions’. Age 12, I thought by now I’d be living my dream, in a big house in London after getting back from filming. Sorry baby Han, misunderstood that assignment. I woke at 8, drunk a supplement drink that is labelled cafe latte but who they’re kidding I don’t know, then fell back asleep to hurry along 3 hours of a rather long 24 hour day. Dress, walk, meds then lunch. More supplement. Sleep.
2:45pm, got through almost half of the waking day. Made a few phone calls and scrolled through Instagram. Snack. Should I sleep again? No, I need to go on my second walk before it gets dark.
4:30, call my mum as I briskly stroll around the grounds, the same route I take everyday, twice a day. Boring or what. Back on the ward. Okay, let’s be productive. But first let me check my phone. man I really need to start setting myself time limits with this thing. 30 minutes gone, oops but also yay as I’m ready for this day to be done already.
(TW) Engage in behaviours, exercise rituals that I feel compelled to do even though m fully aware they make next to zero difference on my body shape or weight.
Make an Instagram post then try and tidy my room by end up packing things into a box for when I’m discharged even though I’d don’t even have a date yet. Dinner, sigh. 7pm now. What to do what to do. I mean I have plenty to do but the motivation to do it never shows up. I make some notes of some therapy homework but get that done in 15 minutes. Quick walk around the ward but no ones about other than agency staff memebers who know me by my door number. Room 13. Yup that’s me.
Do I take my meds now and risk falling semi asleep during snack or do I wait and stay awake for far longer than I want to be. I should really shower but a freezing cold trickle makes hair washing near impossible and certainly does not tempt me. Right, economics a level- come on Han! But I left all my highlighters at home which is a complete valid excuse to do nothing I’m sure of it. Snack, last one of the day. I watch Sherlock and dream of being the one behind the camera one day. A girl can dream ok? Meds, music, bed.
And then do it all again tomorrow.
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