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  • Writer's pictureHannah Larkin

18th February

Today is the 18th February. Making tomorrow the 19th. Meaning it’s my birthday. However, instead of being excited, I’m dreading it and refusing to acknowledge it by not celebrating.

This may seem strange and it is in reality but as someone who has always hated change, and detests thinking about time passing, birthdays are hard. but it’s not just that but the sadness that once again, I’m spending another birthday no where near better than the last. Every year I tell myself the next will be better, different. And it’s different but never for the better. It becomes to difficult to think about so I don’t, by by not celebrating.

Growing up has always been daunting for me, maybe because it’s something I can’t control and with every year passing is another year further from the the simplicity of childhood and youth. But now I’m just flooded with deep sadness about how I’m still unwell, still unhappy, still lost.

I remember age 6 lying in my bottom bunk bed thinking how old 7 was, butterflies in my stomach about the forthcoming celebration, anticipated for my presents, dreading the awkward phone calls, excited for a day full of my favourite foods (crepes or bacon butties for breakfast, party food for lunch, pizza for dinner). Now 20 turning 21, I’m debating whether I sleep the day away or try keep as busy as possible to make it go by quicker. And I’m not exactly excited for the ‘food’ 😬.

Now of course, I can’t change my actual birthday, but I’m choosing to celebrate in in the summer in the hope at least somethings better. I attempted this last year but I was never well enough to celebrate at the 6 month later mark but here’s to having hope. Bring on July 19th!

(Also, as all I’d like for my birthday is to be better, rather than presents I’d really appreciate a donation to my go fund me, but no pressure of course!)

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